


Goofus and Gallant

by Lilith Sedai (TAFKAB)



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Humor, M/M, crack-fic, references to Highlights for Children magazine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-07 14:09:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11060610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TAFKAB/pseuds/Lilith%20Sedai
Summary: If you've never read "Highlights for Children," this will zoom right past you.  It's a pastiche of a common feature from that abominable publication.  If you have... the name speaks for itself.  (An old story)My long-ago co-author for this piece asked to be identified as Little Susie Revok.  As far as I know, she has no ID on AO3 that I can link to.  Credit to you, Susie, wherever you are.If you are a co-author on this story and would like it removed, please comment and I will take it down.





	Goofus and Gallant

_Dear Editors of "Galactic Highlights for Children:"_

_I was watching the little padawans at play with the little Sith Apprentices and was inspired to create a new educational tool that hopefully can darken the minds of kids across the galaxy. I think you'll agree that this updated take on the classic "Goofus and Gallant" represents the cutting edge of the future in children's literature._

_I've included sketches of my concept of both Goofus and Gallant. Please note that Gallant is based on Jedi padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi and Goofus is Sith Apprentice Darth Maul. I've obtained the permission of both boys, who are flattered to have their personas used in the pursuit of both good... and evil..._

_I strongly suggest you use it. If you know what's good for you. My apprentice worked very hard on these sketches, and he has a bad temper._

_Sincerely,_

_Chancellor Palpatine_

\---MANUSCRIPT BEGINS--- 

** 

Gallant loves his master, and follows his every instruction in word and deed.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan ironing Qui-Gon's underwear)_

Goofus wants to eat his master's heart roasted on a stick.  
_(sketch: Maul rising up and striking Sidious down)_

** 

Gallant carefully combs and recombs his little braid each morning.  
_(sketch: beaming padawan twit with a huge hairbrush)_

Goofus tattooed his head and had horns surgically inserted in his skull.  
_(sketch: Maul in the tattoo parlor with a spacebiker tattoo artist named Thor)_

** 

Gallant walks everywhere he goes, to conserve precious fuel.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan tripping lightly down a forest path with birdies perched on his shoulders and little bunnies hopping around his feet)_

Goofus blasts down the desert on his ass-kicking galactic Harley every time he gets a chance.  
_(sketch: Maul flattening an elderly female Tusken Raider with his hoverbike)_

** 

Gallant offers gift certificates at SuperCuts to disheveled slave children.  
_(sketches: Before--Obi-Wan helping a barber place a sheet over Anakin. After-- Anakin at the Naboo party with his little pigtail)_

Goofus offers them the use of his tattoo needles without cleaning it first.  
_(sketch: A leering Maul advances on a quivering kid with a giant hypo in his fist)_

** 

Gallant practices with the Force by using it to make his bed every morning.  
_(sketch: padawan twit with arms folded, tucking in his sheets and poofing pillows)_

Goofus uses the Force to burn limbs off the people who try to wake him up.  
_(sketch: Maul hunched into pillows, with one bleary eye open, motel chambermaid next to his bed being torn limb from limb by forces unseen)_

** 

Gallant learns the proper dining protocol for each culture he visits.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan cheerily devouring a large hairy eyeball with chopsticks)_

Goofus uses his toes to eat french fries dropped on the floor at the mall.  
_(sketch: Maul's toes look suspiciously prehensile, and apparently he can reach his mouth with them)_

** 

Gallant asked for a case of dental floss for his birthday.  
_(sketch: Qui-Gon standing next to Obi-Wan, wrapping paper scattered everywhere, Obi-Wan oohing and aahing at a huge roll of floss)_

Goofus can remember when he had teeth, if he has a few beers first.  
_(sketch: Maul's lovely leer)_

** 

Gallant develops a deep emotional relationship before venturing upon physical displays of affection.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan and Qui Gon having an angst attack in a rather disgusted Master Etil's office: sign on the desk reads "Etil-- Jedi Master Healer and Life-Bond Counselor")_

Goofus develops massive thigh muscles from slamming strangers into a wall.  
_(sketch: Maul violently getting it on with a lover whose face can't be seen... but the padawan braid looks suspiciously familiar)_

** 

Gallant marvels each day at the greatness of his master's heart.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan gazing at Qui-Gon worshipfully, his hands clasped in a prayerful attitude)_

Goofus marvels each day at the greatness of Gallant's master's package.  
_(sketch: Maul staring boggled at Qui-Gon's rather prominent "lightsaber")_

** 

Gallant hopes that someday he will be a stalwart member of the Jedi Council.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan getting a spanking from Mace Windu)_

Goofus hopes that someday he will get to shoot purple lightning up people's butts.  
_(sketch: Maul with thought-balloon of him fantasizing about putting the purple-lightning smack down on Mace's ass)_

** 

Gallant buys one of each Star Wars toy and stores them carefully in a cool, dry place.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan standing amidst cartons of carefully-sealed comics, wearing gloves, lovingly putting a boxed 12-inch Qui-Gon behind glass)_

Goofus rips the toys out of the package and dresses them out of Barbie's lingerie drawer.  
_(sketch: Maul squatting on his floor, dressing 12-inch Obi-Wan in a corset and fishnets. Scattered around him are Yoda in fuck-me boots, Qui-Gon in black leather, and Mace Windu wearing a ballerina outfit and holding a star-tipped magic wand. Garbage-can full of packaging in the background.)_

** 

Gallant respects copyright and trademark laws, in accordance with the wishes of George Lucas.  
_(sketch: Obi-Wan warding off fanzines, both hands up palm-out, shaking his head so hard his little padawan braid is flying)_

Goofus is writing this list to make Jagermeister come out of Darth Sidious's nose.  
_(sketch: Maul grinning evilly while Sidious spit-takes beer over the sketch of Maul humping Obi-Wan against a wall)_


End file.
